Training: Tricks or Treats?

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    That’s me as Captain Lesgate on my way to a murder. My own.

    These Questions and Answers lay out in plain and simple–in Cave Man terms–how easy it is to be misunderstood. Not only be misunderstood, but be quite funny in the process–intentional or not. Enjoy.

    While I suspect this series of jokes hits the Internet every so often, the answers did make me smile so I thought I’d share them with you. It’s that time of year anyway. I have no idea of the origin of these questions, but something tells me there is modicum of truth to them as there is to any humor.

    I was sent an e-mail that contained these Qs and As. I thought they were a little scary–only in the OMG factor that students may actually think like this–and perfect for Halloween pleasure, and so I thought I’d share.

    Humor keeps our attention in training and educational instruction of any kind. In communication it is an invaluable tool. Besides, it is healthy to laugh, or so say the scientists.

    These are indeed treats, not tricks; although I’ve been told by students I have tricked them into learning. To which I reply, “And, this is bad, why?”

    The following questions were sent in last year’s GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)…………and they WILL breed.

    Q. Name the four seasons.

    A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

    A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

    Q. How is dew formed?

    A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?

    A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

    Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

    A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

    Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?

    A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

    Q. What are steroids?

    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

    Q. What happens to your body as you age?

    A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

    A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)

    Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

    A. Premature death.

    Q. What is artificial insemination?

    A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

    Q. How can you delay milk turning sour.

    A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant.)

    Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

    A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U…

    Q. What is the fibula?

    A. A small lie.

    Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?

    A. Nearby.

    Q. What is the most common form of birth control.

    A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)

    Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’?

    A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

    Q. What is a seizure?

    A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit.)

    Q. What is a terminal illness?

    A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable.)

    Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

    A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

    Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.

    A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

    Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?

    A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (Brilliant.)

    Q. What is a turbine?

    A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

    IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR US? You tell me.

    Now, I don’t claim to be this funny, but I’d like to be… Might even take a class in comedic delivery. Does that sound like a real class, complete with a curriculum? Sounds about right for a speaker or trainer. Good to have in your repertory of tricks.

    The timing seemed right for those of us who mock reality or celebrate the absurd with Halloween. Humor is the bridge to the ridiculous. We laugh because what we hear sounds true and not true simultaneously. If it is true–a treat, and not, well–a trick.

    No offense is intended by these questions and answers. They are offered in the spirit of humor. If these are true answers, I suppose we should be concerned or train comics. By the way, I have thought that would be great training for professional speaker or trainer. As you all know, we all take many paths to get here.

    Although I never intend to offend, it can happen as I try to hard too hard to be cute. Sarcasm, often used in humor, can be misconstrued to reflect a vindictive purpose. Sometimes it isn’t the words themselves and their intended meanings; it can be just the topic with “triggers” that set people off emotionally, but always–always I do my best to be fair and even. Even typos and misspellings can get you into trouble if you aren’t careful.

    Still, there’s always room for a smile or laughter in the training environment. At least I hope there is. and, I think it’s worth it.

    Contradictions are sometimes funny, we don’t always laugh at them. “I may live inside the box, but I always think outside.” And, whatever is politically correct? However, if we can laugh, we can relax. If we can relax, we can stop worrying about our troubles and listen and learn. Maybe live outside the box. I would be willing to bet everyone has learned something here in between uncontrollable laughter. The answers are important to the GED–no doubt, but we should all know these answers, which is what makes them funny. But you knew that already.

    For more resources about training, see the Training library.

    If you can take more of me, more writings can be found on my web site. Can’t decide yet if it’s a cave or a website. My unusual and often thoughtful scribblings are under What I Say and range from training and development blogs found on this site, to theatre commentary and reviews. You may not see it now, but the two professions are intricately linked. Performance is performance after all. I have been told by others and almost believe it myself that performance reviewing is my profession; however, passionate communication is my life. My inexpensive, yet incredibly profound, interesting and amusing ebook is out now: The Cave Man Guide to Training and Development. In the very near future I hope to have another Cave Man book out based on my cave art and Cave Man approach to today’s life: The Cave Man Guide to Binding One’s Spear, or something like that. Happy training. Oh, and Happy Halloween!